The Concept of Change
Originally uploaded by Kevin Farris
Live from the Hillcrest Starbucks in sunny San Diego....Dan in real time returns.
There is so much to say, with so much frustration during these past few days of not being able to communicate. I have become so dependent on this computer, as it helps me reach out to each of you. Without this connection, I am just so isolated, even in the midst of a large loud crowd.
I have a couple of posts written in my head that will aptly describe the past three days of frantic loading, driving and arriving, but for tonight, I will just talk of the present.
Yesterday I was able to put back together my over sized bed frame. It is a huge double drawered chest bed, with twelve drawers all together. Each time that I have had to unassemble it, I knew that putting it back together would be a test of patience and perseverance. Just by chance, the bedroom only has a power outlet on the left side of the bed, Michael's side. When I got ready to climb into bed at the end of the night, my spot, on the right, was already taken up by my overpriced cat, Carelli. He looked so cozy, and asleep, so I decided that it made more sense to start sleeping on Michael's side. A change.
This afternoon I started unpacking some of the boxes that held all of our bedroom possessions. I quickly realized that I didn't have the same shelving space, and would have to minimize what I chose to display on the shelves. Being that this is a rental, I am also mindful of not putting too many holes in the walls, so I will be limited to a couple of our pictures for hanging. At first this started causing me much distress, but then I told myself to be careful not to try duplicating our bedroom in San Francisco. After all, I am supposed to be embracing change. Right?
The big rub about my new master bedroom was the master bath, complete with two sinks. His & Her? His & His? Either way, my heart dropped. Some how I didn't notice this when I first visited this house, or maybe I did, but it didn't register at the time. Today I struggled with what to put out on the very large vanity. My toiletries, yes. A photo of flowers taken by Michael, yes. Michael's toiletries? At first I started placing all of his things at one of the sinks, then decided to walk out of the bathroom for awhile. I went about unpacking some things downstairs, then returned to the bathroom. I promptly picked up Michael's things, and placed them in a drawer. I can't live in the past. I won't forget him, but I can't set up my daily life with his things laying around as if he were here. Change.
Change is not easy. It is often met with some resistance, and a good share of melancholy. This phase of my life is all about change. It started with a change that was most unwelcome. It was a change that left me lost, and broken inside. Now I am embracing change as a healing property. A healthy dose of change.
Funny, I look in the mirror, and it's still me. I look around me, and it's all changed. I will be patient, and wait for the two to converge.