Monday, July 19, 2010

A healthy dose of change.

The Concept of Change
Originally uploaded by
Kevin Farris

Live from the Hillcrest Starbucks in sunny San Diego....Dan in real time returns.

There is so much to say, with so much frustration during these past few days of not being able to communicate. I have become so dependent on this computer, as it helps me reach out to each of you. Without this connection, I am just so isolated, even in the midst of a large loud crowd.

I have a couple of posts written in my head that will aptly describe the past three days of frantic loading, driving and arriving, but for tonight, I will just talk of the present.

Yesterday I was able to put back together my over sized bed frame. It is a huge double drawered chest bed, with twelve drawers all together. Each time that I have had to unassemble it, I knew that putting it back together would be a test of patience and perseverance. Just by chance, the bedroom only has a power outlet on the left side of the bed, Michael's side. When I got ready to climb into bed at the end of the night, my spot, on the right, was already taken up by my overpriced cat, Carelli. He looked so cozy, and asleep, so I decided that it made more sense to start sleeping on Michael's side. A change.

This afternoon I started unpacking some of the boxes that held all of our bedroom possessions. I quickly realized that I didn't have the same shelving space, and would have to minimize what I chose to display on the shelves. Being that this is a rental, I am also mindful of not putting too many holes in the walls, so I will be limited to a couple of our pictures for hanging. At first this started causing me much distress, but then I told myself to be careful not to try duplicating our bedroom in San Francisco. After all, I am supposed to be embracing change. Right?

The big rub about my new master bedroom was the master bath, complete with two sinks. His & Her? His & His? Either way, my heart dropped. Some how I didn't notice this when I first visited this house, or maybe I did, but it didn't register at the time. Today I struggled with what to put out on the very large vanity. My toiletries, yes. A photo of flowers taken by Michael, yes. Michael's toiletries? At first I started placing all of his things at one of the sinks, then decided to walk out of the bathroom for awhile. I went about unpacking some things downstairs, then returned to the bathroom. I promptly picked up Michael's things, and placed them in a drawer. I can't live in the past. I won't forget him, but I can't set up my daily life with his things laying around as if he were here. Change.

Change is not easy. It is often met with some resistance, and a good share of melancholy. This phase of my life is all about change. It started with a change that was most unwelcome. It was a change that left me lost, and broken inside. Now I am embracing change as a healing property. A healthy dose of change.

Funny, I look in the mirror, and it's still me. I look around me, and it's all changed. I will be patient, and wait for the two to converge.


  1. I am glad you are settled in and embracing the future.
    ~Long time reader in CO

  2. I'm glad you're there and getting unpacked and settled in. Yes, change is sometimes difficult, but we can learn to live with it. Two years out, I'm realizing that I've lived decades without bothering to change. Now, I'm sensitive and more open to change and it has enriched my life in so many ways. The simple truth is that, if we try to hard to live in the past, or drag it along with us, we can't really move forward as well -- and I'm not really saying this from the point of view of someone who has suffered losses such as ours -- but just at the most basic level. I look around and realize how interesting life can be if you can remove some of your own self-imposed limitations. I can so identify with what you're saying in this post. Anyhow, glad to hear that, after the frustrations of the past few days, things seem to be coming back in line. Looking forward to hearing more about the place - and everything else!

  3. i am glad you are there and safe. moving can be very trying even in the best of times. i hope you find some peace in setting up your new home. you are in my thoughts.

  4. Glad to hear all is well as you're getting settled. Embracing change...I'm working on getting better at that. Thanks for the inpiration.

  5. "Funny, I look in the mirror, and it's still me. I look around me, and it's all changed. I will be patient, and wait for the two to converge."

    I love this.

  6. Ditto - I think we all face this - it has all changed, in the mirror we look the same - okay maybe more haggard, more striken and sadder than before - but basically the same - but on the inside, the change is so dramatic that we really are lost, waiting to find ourselves in this new widowed life - waiting for the two to converge. Beautiful reflections Dan. Be gentle to yourself, what you are doing - moving - really IS big.