Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.
Originally uploaded by Spencer Finnley
It's been some time since I addressed you through this blog. I don't know if you have a sense of the living, but if you do, then you know my heart is still pining for you. I visited with you mother yesterday, and she is still hurting so much. You made such an impact on all of us, and now we are all left to mourn you until the day we leave this earth as well.
I am busy making some changes in my life. I am not leaving you behind, as I carry you with me every minute of the day. I am trying, and learning, to accept that you are gone. Even with all the pain I have endured, it still doesn't seem real. I keep expecting to see you walk into our bedroom. When I wake up I still loo for you. While I sleep my arm is still searching for you.
You know Michael, you gave me something I never thought I would have. True love. Our relationship was full of all the qualities I wanted, infused with passion. For so long I felt like I was not fully experiencing life as others did. I had many good things in my life, but I didn't have that one person to feel such passion for. What we had was not a fairy tale. It was real. I love all that we had. The love making, the arguments, the family issues, the travel, and even your illness. If there was some kind of divine intervention at play in bringing us together, then I should be offering my thanks. You gave me so much, even until the very end.
I have no regrets. I feel so blessed to be chosen to take care of you, and to help make your passage from this world a loving and peaceful one. I hope you were not scared, as there were some scary moments for me. It was hard to know how much you were aware of in the end. You should know that I never slept. I never let go of you, and our lips were locked when you took your last breathe. I like to think that I still carry part of you within me. I purposefully took a deep breath in so that all of your last breath became part of me. Please know that I will continue to live in a way that was important to you. I will live a life of integrity, and compassion for others. I will remember to keep a smile on my face, and keep a twinkle in my eye that is yours.
I will make sure that all of our kids, the Cano's and the Lowries, always know what a wonderful person you were. I will guide them in a way that you would have wanted to do. I will encourage them to seek education, and to share their knowledge with others. I will do my best at retelling some of your wonderful stories, even if they have heard them hundreds of times before. They will all grow up knowing you, and appreciating the impact you had on my life, and theirs.
My heart is yours Michael. You were a wonderful husband, and I feel so blessed that we were able to exchange our vows in front of all the people we love. That day will always be one of the best in my life.
Be at peace my love.