Originally uploaded by prakhar
I just finished watching a documentary on HBO called "No one dies in Lily Dale." It's about a community of mediums, where people from many places come with hope of reaching out to their dearly departed. I sat quite intrigued, not by the mediums themselves, but by the intense need in those that grieve for further connection, understanding or healing. I know that for many of us widowed, the idea that we could somehow be reconnected with our spouses, would be quite a draw. Our hearts ache, and for many, there are so many unanswered questions.
I sometimes read about others who feel their loved one's presence, or see them in a dream. For many this is very comforting, especially if their spouse died unexpectedly. For me, I knew that Michael was dying, and we had the benefit of having many talks about what life after death might be like. We talked about what my life would be like after he was gone, and what Michael wanted for me in the future.
I saw in tonight's film, the desperate need that many of us widow(er)s have, to experience something that connects us to them. And, I can't honestly say that I haven't given this some thought, or that I haven't had an experience where I felt what I thought might be Michael's energy. But what I can say is that I have chosen to not explore this train of thought.
I don't always know what it is that I need, but I do have a sense of what is not best for me. I need to begin putting more of my energy into accepting that Michael is gone. I need to incorporate this fact in my everyday life, so that I can be open to what life still has in store for me. I know that Michael did not want me to spend all my life focused on what cannot be. He wanted me to find someone else to share my love, and for me to be loved in return. He didn't feel threatened by the idea that I could one day have someone else in my life. In fact, he often referred to my "next husband" quite often. This was his way of letting me know that he expected it. And while I am not ready for that at this point, I do find comfort in knowing that it will not be something I need to feel guilty about if it happens.
These last few nights have been very painful, and I have found myself sobbing quite heavily. Nights like these serve as a reminder of the intensity of my loss. It is almost a welcome break from the numbness that I still experience throughout the day. It serves to remind me that I found true love, and that I am capable of having such love in my life. I don't know when I will be ready to explore this, or if there will be a moment that I jump into the dating pool. I will likely just do as I plan, to keep living my life, and remain open to all possibilities.
Obviously I am taking a big step in that direction by this move. I am giving myself the opportunity to find my way in a new place. I hope to step outside my comfort zone, and begin interacting with people again. It's time to find some enjoyment that can only come with making new friends, and exploring new experiences.