Thursday, July 8, 2010

What do I seek?

Human spirit
Originally uploaded by

I just finished watching a documentary on HBO called "No one dies in Lily Dale." It's about a community of mediums, where people from many places come with hope of reaching out to their dearly departed. I sat quite intrigued, not by the mediums themselves, but by the intense need in those that grieve for further connection, understanding or healing. I know that for many of us widowed, the idea that we could somehow be reconnected with our spouses, would be quite a draw. Our hearts ache, and for many, there are so many unanswered questions.

I sometimes read about others who feel their loved one's presence, or see them in a dream. For many this is very comforting, especially if their spouse died unexpectedly. For me, I knew that Michael was dying, and we had the benefit of having many talks about what life after death might be like. We talked about what my life would be like after he was gone, and what Michael wanted for me in the future.

I saw in tonight's film, the desperate need that many of us widow(er)s have, to experience something that connects us to them. And, I can't honestly say that I haven't given this some thought, or that I haven't had an experience where I felt what I thought might be Michael's energy. But what I can say is that I have chosen to not explore this train of thought.

I don't always know what it is that I need, but I do have a sense of what is not best for me. I need to begin putting more of my energy into accepting that Michael is gone. I need to incorporate this fact in my everyday life, so that I can be open to what life still has in store for me. I know that Michael did not want me to spend all my life focused on what cannot be. He wanted me to find someone else to share my love, and for me to be loved in return. He didn't feel threatened by the idea that I could one day have someone else in my life. In fact, he often referred to my "next husband" quite often. This was his way of letting me know that he expected it. And while I am not ready for that at this point, I do find comfort in knowing that it will not be something I need to feel guilty about if it happens.

These last few nights have been very painful, and I have found myself sobbing quite heavily. Nights like these serve as a reminder of the intensity of my loss. It is almost a welcome break from the numbness that I still experience throughout the day. It serves to remind me that I found true love, and that I am capable of having such love in my life. I don't know when I will be ready to explore this, or if there will be a moment that I jump into the dating pool. I will likely just do as I plan, to keep living my life, and remain open to all possibilities.

Obviously I am taking a big step in that direction by this move. I am giving myself the opportunity to find my way in a new place. I hope to step outside my comfort zone, and begin interacting with people again. It's time to find some enjoyment that can only come with making new friends, and exploring new experiences.


  1. Dear Dan,
    You sound very grounded today. Acceptance - it is a good thing and shows that you are not stuck anymore!
    Good luck with the move and all that it entails: so many details, arrangements and emotions.

  2. I will likely just do as I plan, to keep living my life, and remain open to all possibilities.

    That's pretty much the route that I've taken. To go onwards, and try to have a good life - what remains of it. Most of what you've written above is about how things are with me. The only concern I had when I came here to Nova Scotia was that I not move here thinking (subconsciously) that Don would be here, as I knew this would lead to disappointment. Yes, I feel sadness, some frustration, and a bit of anger, that he did not live to be able to retire here with me. However, I just work at the reality of going on alone now. I don't know what the future will bring, and to be honest, I don't give it too much thought. I intend to just go on living in a certain way - one that is true to how I wish to spend my days. It's solitary just by the nature of how I like to live. That might be subject to change in the future - after all, none of us knows how we will feel in a week, a year, a decade. I'm not sure if my future will include another person. At this point, my guess is that it will be nothing too serious or permanent, but just some good friends with similar interests. If rural communes were still in vogue, I'd probably be part of one eventually. Who knows, maybe there will be a new wave of back-to-the-landers and communes and I'll be right there waiting. (-:

    I guess that today must be your last at your job. I hope all goes well and that you leave feeling good about the past, the present and the future.

  3. i never looked for the possibility of my Dragon's presence here because i believe a man such as him went to Heaven immediately. i know this is no longer a popular belief but it is mine and i have my reasons. accepting what this life gives us and continuing its journey is, in my mind, healthy. grieve to its fullest because suppressing it will only make it rise up later harder. then keep living. as you are doing. you have to do what brings you peace.

    you and Michael were, in an odd way and if i may say, blessed by being able to talk so before his death. i got to do so with my mother. not so with my Dragon and yet we talked so much and so deeply during our life together that there are only a handful of things i would have liked to have asked but, c'est la vie.

    you are always in my heart and in my prayers. i wish you all the joy you can find.

  4. bev - ditto on the commune thing. Matt and I had ideas of a communal yet private community - a few families, each having their own house and property, but owning a communal farm together, in the center of everything, shared vegetables, bees, livestock. That way, all of us with such deep traveling bones would always have someone home to tend the creatures.

    Dan - I like the open to whatever happens approach, too. I mean - obviously I have no idea what's coming or not coming. Only know what is true for me in any given moment; following my core, turning away from what is not.