Home Alone 1 Macaulay Culkin
Originally uploaded by clactonradio
Just when I thought I could donate no more, I managed to fill another truck load. I have an SUV, which holds quite a bit. I was sharing my strategy of giving away half of what I own to a coworker today. She thought this was a good, and wise, way of moving. I realized tonight that maybe giving things away is becoming too easy. Many of these things that occupied my house are now meaningless to me. It's not that I don't value them, but I have become so immune to loss, so losing more doesn't really phase me.
All day the reality of my decisions were really making me sad. Throughout the day my coworkers would come up to me to ask if I was excited about my move. Up until today I always smiled and said yes, quite enthusiastically. Today I would just nod, and say that it is what's best for me. I couldn't help but think that none of this should be happening. I never would have expected to leave my job, or to leave the Bay Area. Then again, I never really prepared myself for losing Michael.
I got home from work about 5:30 pm, and got right to work. I spent the first hour loading up my SUV with things. Every time I turned around and looked at the save pile, I would go through it once again, and make myself put more in the car. I stopped when there was no room left. I then came upstairs and had a bite to eat, and watched a little bit of "Home Alone" with my son Remy. It felt quite surreal. "Home Alone" in July? It's a Christmas story. After my meal break I got busy packing the kitchen. I did this until 9 pm, then decided I needed to stop. As I came down to my room the tears started. The weight of my decisions, and the emotional toll of all this work has taken a hold on me. This is an enormous task that I have taken on. Yesterday I traded Facebook messages with my sister-in-law. She was telling me that she and my brother are also busy packing to move into their new home, so she sympathized with me. I couldn't help but think about how they are sharing this responsibility, yet here I am doing all this alone.
These days all I can think about is how alone I am. I don't mean to forget my lovely children, but the alone I feel is that of being alone without another adult to share in all of this. They boys have been totally absorbed in their Playstations, which is fine with me. This way I don't feel like I'm neglecting them while I do all this packing. Yet the counter to that is that I feel so alone in the house.
What I need to remember is that when I arrive in San Diego I will be met by several good friends who are wanting to help unload. I will also be able to go see my parents as soon as I have settled everything into the house. I look forward to spending a lot of time with my extended family and friends this summer. Perhaps with all of these people just two hours away, I will not be feeling quite so alone at home.