Friday, July 30, 2010

Peace Comes From Within. Do Not Seek It Without.


meditation
Originally uploaded by
alicepopkorn



What an interesting 24 hours I have had. Yesterday the boys and I spent the day at the beach, along with some very special friends. One of those was my best friend Peg, who lives in Connecticut. She and I have been best of friends since we were 12 years old. After the day at the beach, my daughter and I joined the same group for a dinner down in the Gaslamp District of Downtown San Diego. It is a very vibrant part of the city, with lots of bright lights, restaurants and stores. Then it was back to home, writing my post, which was lost, and succumbing to a return engagement of my deep cutting sorrow.

I kew that the pain would find it's way to me sooner or later. I had begun to wonder if I had left the deep well of grief back at my old house. Since arriving here in San Diego I have felt some emotional distance from the rawness of my grief. But as I shared yesterday, I sensed a change last night. What was a bit strange, was that it kind of felt like a dream. My sorrow had somewhat of a surreal quality, maybe because it kind of just took a hold of me so quickly, and so deeply. By the morning I realized that my wedding ring was back on my ring finger. It hasn't been there since April I think. I usually keep it next to Michael's wedding ring, and both sit right next to his urn. I finally took it back off when it was time to get to my yoga lesson. I'm not exactly sure why I decided it needed to come back off, but I placed it back with Michael's.

I'm really coming to understand yoga as a different form of meditation. It combines my mind, body and spirit through each movement and breath. There is definitely an exercise component to it, but mostly I feel so in tuned with my whole being when doing it. There is also such a graceful quality to yoga. Even with clumsy yogis like myself. When I left my instructors home, I felt one with my world, and quite peaceful.

Then I arrived home.

Chaos. Utter chaos. The workers were back, but they were doing more than what I was told they would be doing. My kitchen sink had been taken apart, and it appeared that they were installing a new faucet. What was wrong with the old one? Who ordered a new faucet? Who gave you permission to come into my house to do this? And, why does it appear to have been taken apart and abandoned? There was a larger pile of trash in the front of the house, and the owner was unloading something, and apparently had the workman with him. Well, the proverbial shit hit the fan. I became completely irate. I called the management and demanded that she come to my house. Unfortunately for her, she received all of my pent up anger, and all I could see was red. We had a scheduled meeting set for tomorrow morning, but we were going to hash this out immediately. I went into all of my frustration over the ongoing problems that had ensued since my arrival two weeks ago. I stated that I expected a refund of the payment I made for the week prior to my arrival, and asked that I be further compensated for the lack of full use of the home during the past two weeks. I also gave verbal notice that I planned to terminate the lease and look for other housing. She asked if we could work this out, and that she hoped I would give them a chance, as the work should be done tomorrow. I explained that at this point I can't trust those words, as everyday has led to further problems. I stated that I didn't want anyone else knocking at my door to discuss matters of the house. That I want to know in advance if any work needs to be done, and when it is estimated to be completed. I don't want to talk to anyone but her, and would expect that she would be aware of any further work to the house that will affect the boys and me. I then said I would give it one more week to see if things actually do change.

After she left I took the time to talk to the actual workers that were in my house. I explained that I was not angry at them, as they have been very kind. I wanted them to know that I appreciate their hard work, but that I should not have had to deal with so many problems, with nobody around to deal with the issues each day. We coordinated a time tomorrow when everything will be done, and I expect to finally have full control, and privacy, in this expensive house that I am renting.

So for those of your reading, who thought that this move was going so smoothly for me, well here is the reality. There have definitely been some benefits to the move. I know it was the right decision, and that my outlook is much better than when I was employed, and living in the home that I owned. Yet life keeps reminding me that I am not the one in control. All I can do is choose how to respond to it. Today was definitely not one of my prouder moments of Handling Stress 101. I still have so much pent up anger at the world. I am still so angry that Michael was taken away from me, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

I hate to admit it, but I have to eat my own words. There was nothing I could do about the fact that Michael was given a death sentence when he was diagnosed with his brain tumor, but I did make a choice in how to respond to it. I have to remember that I responded by loving the hell out of him. I fought back at the cancer every waking moment. Then when I could see that I was losing him, I embraced his final days, and made them the most loving and peaceful days I could give him. I loved that man, and he loved me back. Now I sit here, in another city, in another home, surprised that the anger is back. I don't want to be that angry person all the time. I want to find peace with this. I want peace to find me.

I have to remember the words that are tattooed on my arm, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." I am seeking peace in my life, and I need to constantly be nurturing that peace within while I'm on this journey.

4 comments:

  1. Sorry you've had to deal with this construction chaos, but also glad to hear that you have come to a resolution of sorts. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to have your message taken seriously is to go ballistic.

    "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." I am seeking peace in my life, and I need to constantly be nurturing that peace within while I'm on this journey.

    This part of your post speaks to me. As you know, I have experienced many of the feelings you have described - of seeing Don diagnosed with a very devastating form of cancer, of doing all I could to educate myself and wage war in an attempt to keep him alive. Of course, the rest of the story is similar to yours and Michael's, except that circumstances were such that Don's death was in a way that may or may not have been the best (I think I'm finally at peace with that now).

    At five more weeks to 2 years, the incredible rage that has so often taken hold of me seems to be ebbing. The last manifestation was in May - and believe me when I say that it was still very powerful. Since then, I'm fairly sure I've finally come to some kind of resolution. I don't think there will be any further manifestations. Strangely, or perhaps not so strangely, this resolution may have come about in response to the recent news that three very close friends all have spouses who have just recently been diagnosed with three different types of cancer - a couple of those cases being at quite an advanced stage. Suddenly I find myself realizing that, much as it *feels* to me that Don's death was some macabre anomaly - like some street shooting of an innocent pedestrian in a crowd of thousands, this ****ing disease is all around us and slamming everyone. Of course, you know enough about my past to know that cancer and I are no strangers, so it's not exactly like I was naive about any of this. However, I think that, for me, my anger was (in part) due to the perception that we were singled out to endure all of this - the terrible pain that Don went through, the death, and then me being left alone to struggle onwards.

    Until recently, my perceived "unfairness" of the whole thing could send me into fits of incredible fury. Not on a daily basis, but from time to time, the fury rose up like some hideous anger monster lurking in its basement lair waiting for a chance to burst through the door to run amok through the upstairs of a house for a day or two before being banished back below. Slowly, this monster has been shrinking. It seems not so fierce anymore. Maybe it's gradually accepting its place and realizes that it can't stay upstairs all the time. In any case, it's probably still down there, but doesn't bother coming upstairs too often now. When I look around at what's happening to my three friends, I can see that they have simialr anger monsters in their basements too now -- ones that are in the early growing stage. I find it upsetting to watch this process, and feel like shouting, "Quick! Quick! Kick the damned thing out before it's too late!" but I'm enough of a realist to know that there's no way to kick it out because the monster lives in all of us. In fact, I believe it's the same power that helps us to hate cancer and fight back against it. It's the same power that gives caregivers the superhuman strength to keep going onward for months, staring down death at each turn in the road. Is it any wonder that, when the battle is over, we are left to deal with this seething fury - the same fury that has given us so much strength for months or even years? It took time for it to grow to the size of a house, and it takes time for it to shrink back into a corner of our basement. Now I think how odd it is that I never realized this before. It just takes a lot of time to make peace with this creature that is forged of harder stuff than many will ever know.

    Peace, Dan.

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  2. dan, bev, you have both made me cry this morning with recognition and a deep connection to your words and from whence they came.

    Dan: "I did make a choice in how to respond to it. I have to remember that I responded by loving the hell out of him. I fought back at the cancer every waking moment. Then when I could see that I was losing him, I embraced his final days, and made them the most loving and peaceful days I could give him. I loved that man, and he loved me back."

    Bev: "it's the same power that helps us to hate cancer and fight back against it. It's the same power that gives caregivers the superhuman strength to keep going onward for months, staring down death at each turn in the road. Is it any wonder that, when the battle is over, we are left to deal with this seething fury - the same fury that has given us so much strength for months or even years?"

    You two are walking my same walk and I am deeply grateful for your ability to put these complicated feelings into words of the utmost clarity. To be able to share this with you from afar is a huge comfort. Thank you for reminding me that the anger is supremely logical; it comes from the loving and the caring, and then the losing. Thank you.

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  3. Hi Bev and Carolyn. It's always comforting to hear from others who have had similar experiences. When it happens to you and your loved one, it feels so personal, so isolated, and you feel so completely thrown off course. I sometimes want to qualify my reactions to life by telling people why I might be so angry. But I only think this to myself, and never really explain.

    Lately I just tell myself that I have a right to be whatever I am each day. Life doesn't play fair, so why should I.

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  4. Lately I just tell myself that I have a right to be whatever I am each day. Life doesn't play fair, so why should I.

    This seems key to dealing with life going forward. For the longest time, I tried to keep things to myself, or not say things that might disturb other people. When it seemed that someone was pushing me too far, I would wonder if I was just being over-sensitive because I felt so beaten up and broken. Now I realize that I don't have to endure things that upset me. I say what I want to say, and to hell with what anyone thinks. To my surprise, most people seem to take it in stride, and if they don't and my thoughts scare them off -- well, so be it. We have been through a lot - being first caregivers and now widowed people. We have earned the right to feel, say, or live whatever way we wish. For those who have put others ahead of themselves for many years, that can take some getting used to, but it what we must do - at least until we are feeling truly well and healed again.

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