Friday, July 30, 2010
Peace Comes From Within. Do Not Seek It Without.
Originally uploaded by alicepopkorn
What an interesting 24 hours I have had. Yesterday the boys and I spent the day at the beach, along with some very special friends. One of those was my best friend Peg, who lives in Connecticut. She and I have been best of friends since we were 12 years old. After the day at the beach, my daughter and I joined the same group for a dinner down in the Gaslamp District of Downtown San Diego. It is a very vibrant part of the city, with lots of bright lights, restaurants and stores. Then it was back to home, writing my post, which was lost, and succumbing to a return engagement of my deep cutting sorrow.
I kew that the pain would find it's way to me sooner or later. I had begun to wonder if I had left the deep well of grief back at my old house. Since arriving here in San Diego I have felt some emotional distance from the rawness of my grief. But as I shared yesterday, I sensed a change last night. What was a bit strange, was that it kind of felt like a dream. My sorrow had somewhat of a surreal quality, maybe because it kind of just took a hold of me so quickly, and so deeply. By the morning I realized that my wedding ring was back on my ring finger. It hasn't been there since April I think. I usually keep it next to Michael's wedding ring, and both sit right next to his urn. I finally took it back off when it was time to get to my yoga lesson. I'm not exactly sure why I decided it needed to come back off, but I placed it back with Michael's.
I'm really coming to understand yoga as a different form of meditation. It combines my mind, body and spirit through each movement and breath. There is definitely an exercise component to it, but mostly I feel so in tuned with my whole being when doing it. There is also such a graceful quality to yoga. Even with clumsy yogis like myself. When I left my instructors home, I felt one with my world, and quite peaceful.
Then I arrived home.
Chaos. Utter chaos. The workers were back, but they were doing more than what I was told they would be doing. My kitchen sink had been taken apart, and it appeared that they were installing a new faucet. What was wrong with the old one? Who ordered a new faucet? Who gave you permission to come into my house to do this? And, why does it appear to have been taken apart and abandoned? There was a larger pile of trash in the front of the house, and the owner was unloading something, and apparently had the workman with him. Well, the proverbial shit hit the fan. I became completely irate. I called the management and demanded that she come to my house. Unfortunately for her, she received all of my pent up anger, and all I could see was red. We had a scheduled meeting set for tomorrow morning, but we were going to hash this out immediately. I went into all of my frustration over the ongoing problems that had ensued since my arrival two weeks ago. I stated that I expected a refund of the payment I made for the week prior to my arrival, and asked that I be further compensated for the lack of full use of the home during the past two weeks. I also gave verbal notice that I planned to terminate the lease and look for other housing. She asked if we could work this out, and that she hoped I would give them a chance, as the work should be done tomorrow. I explained that at this point I can't trust those words, as everyday has led to further problems. I stated that I didn't want anyone else knocking at my door to discuss matters of the house. That I want to know in advance if any work needs to be done, and when it is estimated to be completed. I don't want to talk to anyone but her, and would expect that she would be aware of any further work to the house that will affect the boys and me. I then said I would give it one more week to see if things actually do change.
After she left I took the time to talk to the actual workers that were in my house. I explained that I was not angry at them, as they have been very kind. I wanted them to know that I appreciate their hard work, but that I should not have had to deal with so many problems, with nobody around to deal with the issues each day. We coordinated a time tomorrow when everything will be done, and I expect to finally have full control, and privacy, in this expensive house that I am renting.
So for those of your reading, who thought that this move was going so smoothly for me, well here is the reality. There have definitely been some benefits to the move. I know it was the right decision, and that my outlook is much better than when I was employed, and living in the home that I owned. Yet life keeps reminding me that I am not the one in control. All I can do is choose how to respond to it. Today was definitely not one of my prouder moments of Handling Stress 101. I still have so much pent up anger at the world. I am still so angry that Michael was taken away from me, and that there was nothing I could do about it.
I hate to admit it, but I have to eat my own words. There was nothing I could do about the fact that Michael was given a death sentence when he was diagnosed with his brain tumor, but I did make a choice in how to respond to it. I have to remember that I responded by loving the hell out of him. I fought back at the cancer every waking moment. Then when I could see that I was losing him, I embraced his final days, and made them the most loving and peaceful days I could give him. I loved that man, and he loved me back. Now I sit here, in another city, in another home, surprised that the anger is back. I don't want to be that angry person all the time. I want to find peace with this. I want peace to find me.
I have to remember the words that are tattooed on my arm, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." I am seeking peace in my life, and I need to constantly be nurturing that peace within while I'm on this journey.