Saturday, July 31, 2010
Lonely. I'm Mr. Lonely.
Originally uploaded by Samphraim
This is going to be the second post I have written tonight. The first was a post that has been lurking in the back of my mind since that ill fated day that we loaded up the u-haul to move. I won't spill any of the details here, but you will see from the title of the post that it was a day not without problems. The post has been dated July 17th, and is called Nightmare on Roscoe Street.
Today has felt like a quiet, introspective day. I got up early, 6 am. I did my morning yoga, then did some reading online. Eventually I made my way downstairs to feed the animals, and take our dog Ranger for a short walk. The boys were wanting to just stay in and play with their Playstations. I thought about demanding that they go with me to a movie, as once out they usually have a good time. Instead I went off by myself. I used to love seeing films by myself, but these days it can feel kind of lonely. I still had a good time, but hoped there might be a way to interact with people afterward. In San Francisco people sometimes engaged in conversations after viewing one of these independent films. Not here. Not today at least. You know, I haven't met any neighbors yet. Not one. The only person who introduced himself was the mail carrier, and now I don't remember his name.
After the film I came home and did some work in the yard. The owners had left some outdoor plants in the kitchen when I first arrived. I decided that I would plant these out front, but the earth was too dry and hard. I took out the hose, and watered all of the front yard. I then went to the back, which is a huge canyon of a yard, and did the same. If I choose to stay here I would like to do some planting, but will need to see if I can get the sprinkler system working. It seems a shame to have so much interesting space, but to have nothing but dry dirt everywhere. I really miss my garden. I'm tempted to start a new small urban garden out of my deck.
Later this evening I made dinner for the boys and me. It was only the second time that I have actually cooked since we arrived. With all of the chaos, and workers around, I haven't felt comfortable cooking in the kitchen until now. I also spent some time cleaning the living room and the boys bathroom. I was supposed to have someone clean the house today, but it had to be rescheduled. The house cleaning was going to be done by the wife of the handy man, while he finished the shower replacement. They will be coming by on Monday, but I felt like I couldn't live in the space with so much dust anymore. I also wanted the boys to have a clean bathroom for the weekend.
Eventually I made my way up to my room, and have spent a good amount of time sitting in my chair looking off to the downtown skyline. It is a beautiful view from my bedroom, yet it also gives me somewhat of a lonely feel. I sit here looking out at all the bright lights of the city, wondering what everybody is up to. I feel like I am sitting up high in a tower, kept away from those who have a life. Maybe us widows and widowers are meant to be on the fringe of society for awhile. I hope it's not a life sentence, as I would like to feel connected once again.
Tomorrow morning I will go back to the Men's Yoga, and be part of a group. My first time out was such a positive experience. It really helped me feel in tune with my whole being, and in some way in tune with the other men in the room. There wasn't much interaction afterward though. It seemed that everyone was in a hurry to leave. That was on a Tuesday night, which ended at 10pm, so maybe tomorrow morning's session will end differently. I would like to make friends with some guys that have similar interests as I do.
I guess there is no denying it. I am lonely. Lonely for him.