Lonely Man
Originally uploaded by Samphraim
This is going to be the second post I have written tonight. The first was a post that has been lurking in the back of my mind since that ill fated day that we loaded up the u-haul to move. I won't spill any of the details here, but you will see from the title of the post that it was a day not without problems. The post has been dated July 17th, and is called Nightmare on Roscoe Street.
Enjoy.
Today has felt like a quiet, introspective day. I got up early, 6 am. I did my morning yoga, then did some reading online. Eventually I made my way downstairs to feed the animals, and take our dog Ranger for a short walk. The boys were wanting to just stay in and play with their Playstations. I thought about demanding that they go with me to a movie, as once out they usually have a good time. Instead I went off by myself. I used to love seeing films by myself, but these days it can feel kind of lonely. I still had a good time, but hoped there might be a way to interact with people afterward. In San Francisco people sometimes engaged in conversations after viewing one of these independent films. Not here. Not today at least. You know, I haven't met any neighbors yet. Not one. The only person who introduced himself was the mail carrier, and now I don't remember his name.
After the film I came home and did some work in the yard. The owners had left some outdoor plants in the kitchen when I first arrived. I decided that I would plant these out front, but the earth was too dry and hard. I took out the hose, and watered all of the front yard. I then went to the back, which is a huge canyon of a yard, and did the same. If I choose to stay here I would like to do some planting, but will need to see if I can get the sprinkler system working. It seems a shame to have so much interesting space, but to have nothing but dry dirt everywhere. I really miss my garden. I'm tempted to start a new small urban garden out of my deck.
Later this evening I made dinner for the boys and me. It was only the second time that I have actually cooked since we arrived. With all of the chaos, and workers around, I haven't felt comfortable cooking in the kitchen until now. I also spent some time cleaning the living room and the boys bathroom. I was supposed to have someone clean the house today, but it had to be rescheduled. The house cleaning was going to be done by the wife of the handy man, while he finished the shower replacement. They will be coming by on Monday, but I felt like I couldn't live in the space with so much dust anymore. I also wanted the boys to have a clean bathroom for the weekend.
Eventually I made my way up to my room, and have spent a good amount of time sitting in my chair looking off to the downtown skyline. It is a beautiful view from my bedroom, yet it also gives me somewhat of a lonely feel. I sit here looking out at all the bright lights of the city, wondering what everybody is up to. I feel like I am sitting up high in a tower, kept away from those who have a life. Maybe us widows and widowers are meant to be on the fringe of society for awhile. I hope it's not a life sentence, as I would like to feel connected once again.
Tomorrow morning I will go back to the Men's Yoga, and be part of a group. My first time out was such a positive experience. It really helped me feel in tune with my whole being, and in some way in tune with the other men in the room. There wasn't much interaction afterward though. It seemed that everyone was in a hurry to leave. That was on a Tuesday night, which ended at 10pm, so maybe tomorrow morning's session will end differently. I would like to make friends with some guys that have similar interests as I do.
I guess there is no denying it. I am lonely. Lonely for him.
I'm tempted to start a new small urban garden out of my deck.
ReplyDeleteOnce settled and caught up a bit, I would do just that. My first winter in Arizona, the gardens around the house needed work. It helped me in so many ways to spend some time each day cleaning things up. Even a small garden on the deck might help you to feel good. Working with soil and plants is always good for the spirit and it would give you a beautiful place to sit outdoors.
I sit here looking out at all the bright lights of the city... I feel like I am sitting up high in a tower, kept away from those who have a life. Maybe us widows and widowers are meant to be on the fringe of society for awhile. I hope it's not a life sentence, as I would like to feel connected once again.
The house that I rent in Arizona sits alone, high atop a mountain overlooking part of the town. This house here in Nova Scotia is secluded and also high above the rest of the village. I like both for their privacy and quiet, because I realize I do still need some time to be alone. When I work around my place, it's meditative, reflective, and healing. And yet, when the time finally came to be more interactive, I came down off the mountain and began to socialize more. Still, it has been good to be able to go back up when I needed to be alone again. I still believe that, when we have been gravely hurt, we need some alone time - not "lonely time", but "alone time" to heal.
You know, I haven't met any neighbors yet. Not one. The only person who introduced himself was the mail carrier, and now I don't remember his name.
I've come to the conclusion that most people are a.) shy, and b.) worried they would be "bothering you" if they come over and say "hello". Just this year, I've begun to say "hi" to people if I see them out working in their gardens. Of course, this sort of backfired with one of my neighbours when I wandered over to say hello and caught him...uhm... well...let's not go there. After a moment of embarrassment, he invited me to take a look around his little warehouse building then invited me over for dinner that evening. He's a delightful fellow and a good neighbour. Similarly, last spring, just before I left Arizona, I started saying "hi" to people on my street while I was out walking my dogs. I'm now sorry I didn't do that a lot sooner as I've met some very nice neighbours. Why in heck didn't I do this a lot sooner? Shyness? Tiredness from my grief? This winter I plan to get more involved in things around the town - go to the many interesting readings and music and art events at the wonderful old library; take some art workshops at the community arts center. But you know what? I just wasn't ready for this 2 winters ago - and maybe not even last winter. But maybe it is finally be time. The move to do so had to be mine. If you're feeling lonely, my advice is to reach out to others when you feel ready. Keep in mind that most people are too worried about rejection and won't do it first. Be prepared for that possibility yourself - yes, sometimes it happens - but don't take it personally and just take the chance. Maybe you'll get lucky and make a new friend. Funny, but I've made a couple of great friends by reaching out over the past year or so.
By the way, I just hosted my first couchsurfer (couchsurfing.org) - a young man from France who pitched his tent in my garden for the past 4 nights. It was a lot of fun - the two of us struggling to talk to each other in his bit of English and my rusty French. I know I will be doing more hosting in the future as it was really quite enjoyable and not as intrusive as I'd expected. I could not have done this until recently, but now I can manage it. Anyhow, the point is, I think that, in some ways, being alone again does put us in a position to open up our lives to others if and when we feel ready to do so. Just some thoughts.
Hi Dan. I wanted to comment while I am actually at my desktop tonight. I have been reading your posts and am sorry that the move hasn't begun as smoothly as it could have. Eventually calm will arise from this chaos (if it hasn't already).
ReplyDeleteAnd I echo Bev. I call it yard-therapy (or maybe garden-therapy in your case), but there is definitely something to be said for getting your hands dirty and making things grow. Add a small fountain and it might just become as relaxing as your garden in SF was.
Looking forward to reading that the calm has arrived over the next few days.