Saturday, July 3, 2010
Originally uploaded by * Honest *
Today I got a lot accomplished. I was able to give away some more of my things, do some cleaning, and do a lot more packing. Progress.
In the late afternoon I decided it was a good time to watch a video I had purchased awhile back. It is called "Young Widow. Naked in the Memorial Playground" by Elizabeth Titus. Elizabeth had left me a message on my Facebook account, and thought I would benefit from viewing her documentary. It is a collection of sorts, with various widows and widowers sharing their stories, and talking about their individual experiences with grief. It also has short breaks were she is asking people on the street their perceptions of what a widow is like, and how long should one grieve.
I found this documentary to be very affirming. It is comforting to hear from others who are going through this, especially others who are a bit further along in their journey toward healing. This is not to say that we all go through the same process, or in the same time frame, but hearing from others does allow us to feel validated.
This also makes me think of the amazing influence the web has on each of us today. When I think of the people who have become my core means of support and understanding these past 9 months, I don't take for granted the fact that they are spread throughout the world. While these online relationships are not quite the same as having someone physically sitting with you while you talk, they take up the enormous slack that we know as our isolation.
I know that each of us plays a part in each other's day to day journey, if only by bearing witness to each other's words. As for me, I have become somewhat isolated by choice. Yes, it is probably not what I would have necessarily wanted, or recommended to someone in my situation, but it is where I find myself. What we find in losing our spouses, is that the others around us need to move on, almost immediately. It really isn't their place to anticipate all of our needs, or to even understand the depths of our pain. So much of it needs to be done alone, at least that is my experience. I am almost at 10 months out, and when I look back at the person I have become, I see someone who needs quiet and stillness. Sometimes I need the quiet in order to hear my own heart beat. I need to know that I am still alive. In movies we sometimes see depictions of those lost souls who are trapped between this world and the next. These souls are often thought to be the dearly departed, who have unfinished business, or just need more time before leaving this world. But it's been my experience that I am one of those lost souls trapped between this world and the next. Only with time, I find that I am finding my way back to this world.
It's thoughts like this that sometimes has me wondering if Michael is still around here, in some kind of parallel existence. Perhaps we are unaware of each other's presence. I lay here at night, still longing for him. I still sleep on only my side of the bed, and always have my arm stretched out where he should be. I wonder if he is on his side of the bed, wondering where I am, with his arm reaching out for me. Could that be why I feel such loneliness? Is is that I am feeling the cumulative longing from each of us?
Just something to think about. Obviously I am rambling tonight. I suppose it's my restless spirit needing to express itself.