moving forward
Originally uploaded by minty mentos
So, first things first. Yes, I am now unemployed. Doesn't sound so great, does it? I wish I could announce that I am now retired, but I didn't go that route. I decided to vest my retirement funds, in the event that I find employment in the next six month, and choose to roll over my retirement. If I don't go that route then I will be able to announce my retirement six months from now.
It was a nice day at the office. Actually I spent a good part of the day driving a teen to a placement in Napa. Not a bad way to spend my last day at work. When I returned I took care of some last minute items, then made a clean exit. There aren't very many people in the office on Fridays, which made it easy to get out without much drama. I wanted to walk out as if it was just any other day at the office. The fact that I will not be returning will set in later. Besides, I still have my going away cocktail party to attend next Wednesday evening. I think I will be feeling the reality of all this by then.
I ended my afternoon with a quick trip to the tattoo shop to get some of my tattoo's touched up. It was nice to sit and talk with my tattoo artist. We had a nice goodbye. Not being one to sit when there is work to be done, I went straight to work with more packing the minute I got home. I just finished about an hour ago. I am exhausted. I think I will sleep well tonight.
You know, most of the packing has gone well, without too much emotional fall out. That wasn't the case tonight. When I went to pack our wedding china I found myself completely overwhelmed. As I reached for the first plate to pack, I felt short of breath, and tears came pouring down. It was the reality that I hadn't touch the china since we last used it. It was also the harsh reality that we will never use it together again.
I have been sitting here staring at this computer screen for about 15 minutes now. My mind has just been racing through all that has happened in the past 10 months, and all that is before me. In spite of the enormous amount of work that is ahead of me this next week, I am feeling very positive. I feel like this is the dawn of a new era for me. I am embracing change. I am going to wrap myself in Michael's love, and keep moving forward.
Packing up our stuff was sometimes difficult too. As I've mentioned in the past, Don and I used to go to studio shows to purchase hand thrown pottery for our collection. We had some wonderful pieces from a particular artist's studio. I don't think we missed more than one or two of his annual spring and autumn shows in about 20 years. We had a lot of pieces by him and Don often chose them. When I see and handle these pieces now, it is both wonderful and painful. I was away in the western U.S. the autumn shortly before Don was diagnosed with cancer, so I missed that studio show. The night I returned home, Don showed me two blue bowls he had bought. A few minutes later he also revealed the CT scan print-out that pretty much indicated that he had cancer and that it had already metastasized into his bones (later confirmed after he had to be hospitalized). He had kept that news from me while I was traveling in the west as he didn't want it to ruin my trip or make me hurry home. What a man he was. When I see those blue bowls, I both love them as a final gift to me, but also feel such pain and anguish as I remember them sitting in front of me on the bed while I read the CT report and thought of me not being with him when he first saw it. The bowls bring all of that back in a second every time I look at them, but I try to love them as they were such a wonderful final gift from Don. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever get over these memories and the sadness that can well up almost instantly?
ReplyDeleteThe final paragraph of your post is terrific. It's great to hear you feeling so positive about the move to SD and the changes that will undoubtedly take place. While it can be good to look back, I have a feeling that, for many of us, it's probably better to look forward and do our best to create a new future.
I am so happy for you, Dan. I feel your positive energy and I have to admit that part of me wishes we could have a fresh start someplace new. Maybe if I win the lottery :) I also have to admit that when you mentioned wedding china I started having a mini panic attack of my own. I hadn't even though about the wedding china. Just one more thing!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your goodbyes and have fun with all your hellos! I look forward to finally meeting you, in your new city!
Debbie
Just wishing you well and glad to hear of your jouney onward. Interesting that even in the midst of feeling positive, there are always those wammies that catch us, like your wedding china.
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