Sunday, July 25, 2010
A Starbucks free day.
Well, after drinking myself into caffeine oblivion, I finally have Internet access here in my own home. I'm going to miss my late night coffee and treats at Starbucks. I'm going to miss closing the place down. One thing I learned about coffee houses is that they don't announce "last call for coffee." They just come by and say they are closing in three minutes.
It's been a nice couple of days. I drove to visit my parents and immediate family yesterday. I really enjoyed being with all of my brothers, their wives and kids, and sitting around talking and laughing. It was very good medicine. I then raced home because my cousin was coming by to drop off Michael's car. I have missed having his car around. I actually got to drive it today, as I went to an 80th birthday party for my best friend's father. Again, a wonderful time. There were so many old friends there from high school. I was enjoying just talking about the past, and filling in a couple of people about the present.
It is so clear to me what a gift all these people are in my life. Even those that I haven't seen for some twenty years, are just so loving and wonderful. Time apart doesn't change good friendships. They are still there. I know that's how I will feel about my friends in San Francisco. I will miss them so much, but I know that I will always have them in my life.
I recognized this weekend, that it is getting easier to socialize. I am able to enjoy myself, and to also speak about Michael with a developing acceptance. I currently do not feel over wrought with pain when thinking, or speaking, of him. I can actually speak of my loss, and speak of my love, for him, and feel okay. I am also able to zip around in his cute little convertible, with the top down, and know that he would be smiling at me. It's a good feeling, knowing what we had, and knowing that he wanted this for me.
Several people gave me really good feedback tonight. They acknowledged my losing Michael, and also respected the choice I made to change my life. Being that this is the first night that I have the Internet, it allows me the opportunity to sit here on my bed, and reflect on the changes I have made for myself.
I sit here, on top of a hill, looking out my bedroom window, and see the beautiful skyline of downtown San Diego. I'm in a home that is so different from my prior home. It is warm, and sunny. I have no job, so I can do what ever I choose to do. I get up every morning around 6am, and do my morning yoga. I end each night doing my evening yoga. My life has slowed down significantly. I can feel what ever I want to feel. I can be what ever I want to be. It's all mine for the choosing. I feel so fortunate.
Three months ago I wanted my life to end. I couldn't see any point continuing a life that didn't include Michael, especially one that felt so incredibly painful. I felt trapped in the life that I had, which only served as a reminder to what I had lost. Nothing felt worth the effort. I had lost any passion for living, and could not see life getting any better.
Oh what a difference a single decision makes. My advice to others is this, don't wait until you lose someone like I did before you start living the life you crave. If you tell yourself that you can't possible make a change, then take a second look. There has to be a way to effect some change. If there is something out there that can bring you the possibility of happiness, then make it happen.