Power Yoga Video Class Extended Side Angle Pose - Utthita Parsvakonasana
Originally uploaded by myyogaonline
8:55 pm, a new Starbucks.
I'm getting a bit concerned about my coffee intake. Well, not seriously concerned, as I do love a strong cup of coffee. I usually don't drink coffee at night, as I am a serious insomniac. Here's where being unemployed has been quite helpful. I don't have to be up early for anything, so I don't worry about being up too late.
This afternoon's initiation into the world of yoga was a new experience for me. It was a time to begin all that is supposed to be new in my life. So far I have situated my bedroom to be light, and simple. I have chosen to not take too much out of the many boxes that I packed. In fact, my closet is filled with all the boxes that remain full. I have decided that to have a lighter spirit, I must create an environment that is conducive to a lighter perspective.
My yoga lesson was all that I expected, and a little painful more. I was stretching myself in places I never knew were capable of stretching. But isn't that what I am trying to do in general? Stretch myself to experience life in a way that I never expected? Since arriving here in San Diego, I have felt like my grieving process has been put on the back burner. I'm sure it is just a temporary break, as I have been quite busy with unpacking, and arranging furniture. I'm hoping to start taking the time to visit some of of what my new city has to offer. It's not that I don't think about Michael, I do quite a bit. It's just that I'm not feeling my usual sense of despair. What's interesting, is that I don't feel like I have to feel anything right now. The beauty of this new change is that I don't know anybody here, except my kids. Well, I do know a few people, but on a daily basis there is no one looking at me and trying to judge how I am doing with my grief. This is very freeing.
I can already sense all of my family wanting to engage me more into their lives. This is nice, as I am very fond of my family. Yet I also want to be sure to not give away too much right now. I am in a transitional period where I still need, and want, time alone. The time that I have right now is for me. I don't feel the need to fill it, or to make myself busy. Each time I get a call the first thing asked is if I have a job. Why do I need a job? I know that eventually my money will run out, and I will be forced to start looking for work, but for now, just let me be in denial of my financial responsibilities.
You see, I know what it is that I need right now. It's time. Not time for you, or time for work, or time anything in particular. Just time for me. I also want space. That is why I left San Francisco after all, isn't it? I needed a new place to be. It needed to be a place where I felt comfortable, closer to my family, and with lots of open air. If I don't have space, then how will I find the room to stretch? My mind, and my future vision is in need of some stretching. I know that this will not always be a peaceful process, but while it is, I am enjoying it. Stretching my mind might come from places, or people, that I don't expect. I may find myself in new situations, or with new friendships, where I will need to stretch as a person.
So, there I was, sitting, laying, standing, in every imaginable position, being asked to stretch. "Okay, Dan, you are doing well. Now breathe, yes, good. Now stretch. A bit more. Relax. Good." I loved it. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. And, yes, it hurt at times, but doesn't change always hurt a little. The stretches felt good, but there was always that moment when I thought I could go no further, and my instructor would gently make his request, "a bit further Dan, good."
I think I will have some very creative dreams tonight. When I think of all the positions I found myself in this afternoon, my night should be filled with enough characters to fill a wonderful adventurous landscape.
cow-cat
downward facing dog
the bridge
the corpse
the cobra
the warrior
You see, I already have so many new ways to experience my body, and so many ways to stretch my mind.
Oh, and I got cruised at the grocery store!
It's not that I don't think about Michael, I do quite a bit. It's just that I'm not feeling my usual sense of despair. What's interesting, is that I don't feel like I have to feel anything right now.
ReplyDeleteThat's been my experience when traveling since Don's death. It's not that I don't think of him, but that I'm in a different mode that allows me to think of him, while not feeling the despair. I like that feeling as it allows Don to exist in a space of happiness instead of one of sadness. No explanation of why this should be other than it just is.
The beauty of this new change is that I don't know anybody here...on a daily basis there is no one looking at me and trying to judge how I am doing with my grief. This is very freeing.
That's been another aspect of traveling. I'm just a woman traveling with two dogs. An anonymous person whom few people even notice -- especially with the dogs. I could be a local out walking the beach or a forest with my dogs. No surprise encounters with people I know - in stores or parking lots. I don't have to fumble around explaining what and how I'm doing. There is a freedom that comes with just being me - no explanations.
You see, I know what it is that I need right now..... Just time for me. I also want space.
In my own case, I've found time and space to be so critical to moving forward along the healing road. I don't think everyone needs, wants or benefits from time and space, but for some people, yes, I think it's a necessity.
Good to "hear" you sounding as you do in this post, Dan. I sense a sea change.
"be still and wait"
ReplyDeletebefore matt died, my new plan was to not have a plan, to just enjoy our life, where we were, where we were going, and to not work with humans for awhile - he was taking over financial support of us so I could take lower paying, but more close-to-my-soul work on a farm somewhere. After months of not seeing anyone - even though I am still in the same town - the hot weather here has brought people out. People want to know how I am, what I've been "doing with my time." When people ask what my plans are - well, my plans have not changed. I mean, except for the very large Not Having Matt Here part. I don't suddenly have an idea or a plan. I am not suddenly a person with a mission or a cause. Plans also seem rather ridiculous to me, given how much of absolutely nothing I know. To each his own truth. Mine is, right now, to be true to myself, be still and wait.
No one's agenda but your own is a good good thing.